When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
