there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
