First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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