you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
