Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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