yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
