i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
