Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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