found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
