Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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