Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
