Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
