I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I forget how to act sober
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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