i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
