His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
