we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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