Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
