I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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