why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
as a side note pls kill me
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
