jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
fuck your aforementioned shoe
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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