So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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