the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
