Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
