She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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