Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
