There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
