guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
