well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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