What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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