I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
