you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
