Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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