I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
