i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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