me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
