I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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