I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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