covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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