fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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