george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
