he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
There are leaves in my underwear?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
