I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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