Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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