so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
not ubering you a puppy
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
