I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Randomize
