Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
