Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
