My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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