not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
