dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Randomize
