oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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