I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
party gras won. party gras always wins.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Randomize
