you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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